you are music.

i miss looking upward,
toward a blue sky mostly blocked by trees who have arms
i miss looking across,
across roads and valleys where mountains creep behind them
i miss you,
you who challenge my thoughts, my actions, my dreams.

last night there was an incredible thunderstorm at holden village. first we watched the lightning bolts as they lit each others' faces and the clouds rolled in. the darkest clouds over the mountain slowly moved in and we knew it was about to downpour. everyone was running out of buildings and dancing in the road. my clothes and hair were soaked in 3 minutes. it's just rain, yes. nothing to get too excited about, really. all it did was make me cold and uncomfortably wet (that's what she said. i apologize, i can't stop). it brought all of us together. it was as if we all were 8 years old again. as the storm passed and the jumping around settled down, i morphed back into my 19- (almost 20, haha) year-old self. i felt a little silly for obnoxiously jumping around in puddles and laughing until my side hurt. "i should be reading a book," i thought to myself.

what i've realized is that i'm content with the way i felt last night (that's what she said?). it's okay to feel young and free and to hide from all the terrible things that happen each day. eventually, it all comes around and you deal with it when that happens.

i still can't believe what happened to one of my closest friends this summer. the thought of it haunts me and i wish for nothing but to turn back time and undo what was done to her. her broken heart was just wanting to experience something new and exciting, and then in a matter of minutes, her entire life changed.

i have nothing to complain about here. i'm in one of the most beautiful places in the world and am pretty removed from any troubles back home. so i'm going to keep the mindset that i had while dancing in the rain. my carefree mind can enjoy this next month and figure everything else out later.

running, returning. on and on it goes.

i leave for washington in 4 days. i wish i could say i'm ready, but i'm not. part of me is excited, yes, but not to the extent i thought i would be. i guess i knew this would happen. i knew i'd build it up to be so amazing and once it came time to actually go, i'd chicken out. i can't really chicken out but i sort of wish i could. i guess i could if i really wanted to. i don't want to. (phew, so many cans, can'ts, coulds and wants.)

i want to go. i want to experience something else. i want to go somewhere i've never been. i want to meet new people. i want to clear my mind. (want is a weird word.) this will be the perfect place to do that. seclusion freaks me out. i like to think i can handle it without any issues, but lets be honest. i'm totally the girl who feels awkward without her phone, and who checks her e-mail and facebook (yep, i said it) regularly. mexico was nice without a phone but it felt good to have some communication with the world through e-mail. that's so lame. i don't need e-mail. i don't need facebook. i can focus on other things while i'm there. i can journal. take photos. learn from the people around me.

i really want to focus on that. i think there's a lot i can learn from other people, even those who i don't see myself becoming super close to. everyone has their own story, their own opinions and i'm interested in getting new aspects on things.

2:08 am
i just had to say bye to amber. she is leaving for peru in the morning. i feel sad. i am not sure when i'll see her again.

i'm going to bed.

hoy.

me pierda mis hermanas.

today.

i feel like this.

certain people, smells, and places make home feel like home for me. i cannot express in words how much different home will feel without this girl there with meh.

i recently found a message from my sweet lil' lady friend, lars. laura, lo, lando, laaaanky. you get the point. because i don't want to lose it, i'm going to paste it here. most of it you (if there is anyone actually reading this) won't even begin to understand the history and love (lust) behind each one of these statements but maybe you have something (someone) comparable to lo in your life.

cartface. this is a list of things i CAN NOT wait for:
-trips to sonic with you and your daddy
-knitting in your living room
-pretending like we're on a date and when you get nervous you start to moo
-dancing and taking pictures of it (we can do it in your living room this time)
-the absolutely incredible hug you and i are going to experience when i see you
-having conversations with about 3 actual words in them
-making babies with you, dbag, juicy, lando, and jenga
-sledding
-sipping chai lattes to beautiful music
-going to the old market with all the lights
-a BANGIN' new years eve
-reminiscing on old times, and telling eachother of all the new ones we've experienced
-maybe going to church, then stroads....or just going to starbucks, then stroads
-ZIOS
-crazy face pictures
-spooning/cuddling/snuggling

-watching a movie in your basement...meaning you all watch a movie and i fall asleep on the floor
-harmonizing
-going to cheesecake factory b/c we're totally hitting that place up like 3 times
-eating at pf changs...but maybe without the sweet discount
-NOODLESSSSSSSSSS & Co.
-meeting your friends from lincoln when i come stay a night with you =)
-the feeling i'm going to get when i see you and your family (my family)
-the fact that i'm tearing up right now just because i'm SO...so so excited to see you
-the fact that we've both probably changed a bit...yet not at all
-the fact that your dad will probably buy me window scrapers or a tire gauge =)
-sitting in your living room with you and your momma...the TV is on....and yeah, it's on mute
-eating salami and yams...?
-the fact that a good majority of these things are about us and food...
-taco bell
-.....this is a tough one....but driving past my old house. i know.
-realizing that it doesn't matter that i don't live there anymore....i know where my home is
-seeing your beautiful face


can't wait.....

love you.