remember--

when the flies don't exist yet-
when the ice cubes at home always taste like the freshly cut grass-
when napping next to someone else-
when alone-
when i can't stop listening to this song-
when i see you in everything-
when kissing someone new-
when dreaming-
when finding an old photo-
when nostalgia sets in-
when it is always there-
when you miss it already and it's not even gone-
when you graduate from college-
when you move away-
this is when-
then will be when-
got to savor all your-
                                        remember when-

ramblings.

i still miss my cat, who stayed at another house for a short amount of time, then ran away.  sometimes i think she (who was really a he) will still come around someday and snuggle my neck during an afternoon nap, windows open.

an older friend of mine tells me things don't always turn out how you thought they would, doors close and the body slows down. the people and the things you counted on aren't there.

one of my closest companions spends less time with me because it's easier.

i'm spending a considerably less amount of time with one of my best friends because it's healthier.

i helped my dad pick out a (somewhat) fashionable hat today because he is losing all of his hair and feels stupid wearing the same hats or no hats at all.

new friends and possible lovers are lifting my spirits and my confidence.

old friends are encouraging me in pursuing my dreams and moving to new places in life.

yesterday i cleaned my house and did yoga (all while listening to lil' wayne).

i'm learning how important it is for me to have meaningful interactions, sincere goodbyes and physical touch.

my mother is my very best friend, but sometimes we are so cold to each other.

tomorrow i leave for san francisco to visit my brother and see a new place.

"we need the tonic of wildness...

at the same time that we are earnest to explore and learn all things, we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be infinitely wild, unsurveyed and unfathomed by us because unfathomable.  we can never have enough of nature... we need to witness our own limits transgressed, and some life pasturing freely where we never wander."  --henry david thoreau

i am currently reading "the art of the commonplace" written by wendall berry, who writes about agrarian alternatives to dominant urban culture.

as i sink further and further into my program of becoming a pastry chef, i write lists about bucket-list goals and where i want to be in 5 years.  i've decided to focus my current attention on the importance of local and fresh, which has led me to the agrarian essays of wendall berry.

berry discusses our testifying of the "intransigent destructiveness" within us, that prompts us to place our well-being in contention with the well-being of others and the earth.  we assume that we know what is best for ourselves, disregarding the needs of communities (natural and human) that are sustaining us! 

the destructiveness has become clearer than ever, considering most of the world's habitats are in a crisis, with toxification, contamination, pollution, extinction, deforestation and an overall hopelessness.  while at the same time, more of us than ever live lives of luxury and ease.  "the frantic, stressful striving going on all around us indicates that we are profoundly lost."

berry concludes that "it is not from ourselves that we will learn to be better than we are."  we are isolated, left wondering how what we are doing matters.  rather than be judged by our intelligence in terms of the mastery of specialized information, berry suggests we be judged by "the good order or harmoniousness of his or her surroundings."  this is encouragement for me and for you, if we can just step back and relaaaax ourselves!  then maybe we'll be on the road to discovering and grasping the way of life that berry suggests.  we must recognize and find harmony in the interdependence between the earth and us.

i met and transported into my 4, maybe 5-year-old self and brain in my dreams last night.  i was old and i was young.  it felt like i had 2 bodies but 1 mind, each functioning a little differently depending on what body my mind was spending time in.

i stood across the room from me and watched as i pranced around my dad's seemingly ginormous dress shoes (from baby's point of view they were, anyway).

before i knew it, preemie me disappeared.

as if it was the most normal thing in the world, my parents asked where i might've run off to.  right when i needed my 5-year-old brain to function simultaneously with the other, it couldn't.  i was gone, lost.  IIII couldn't find MYSELF!  my parents were devastated.

i'm taking it as a sign.  revival of youth.  for as soon as the world seems familiar, i'm gone.  we've got to remember to let EVERYTHING in the world amaze us, or we'll be lost.

endless satisfaction, friends.

this week i think i may have experienced what so many of us are looking for.  true love.

i've been touched in all the right places.  i've received a healthy balance of the wild side and tenderness.

my very bones have been manipulated and my lover's duty is to make my vulnerable body perfect.  it is his duty to make me feel good.

i am my lover's sculpture and my body is his open book.

i leave my lover with confidence, knowing that he wants to see me twice more this week.

who needs men?  who needs FOOD?

so long as i have my chiropractor, i have endless satisfaction.

where would YOU wish to wake up tomorrow?

  

making breakfast in the middle of nowhere but really in the middle of everywhere.

with someone i love.

whatever any of that means.

SOON.

soon our bodies will be golden from the sun-
and your ARM will be wARM when i put my hand on it-
and even though i used to never know sad or lonely-
and then had both-
i know that soon-
i will forget one and the other-
and there will be a place for us to thaw our brittle winter bones-
and we will dance-
and we will play-
and we will riiiiiiiiide away!

gotta hold the records.

although most times i look back on old writing (i.e. the blog posts before this one) and get a little bit red in the face or feel this thing where my brain feels fuzzy like it hardly remembers the person i was when i wrote that thing down way back when and would almost probably rather deny being the one who wrote that down, i decided today...to write. to hold the record, to follow me through my transitions, moving from city to city, apartment to house, and travelling around the world to see it and my family and my friends.

that preface felt forced but seems necessary, as my last entry was long ago. i mostly just want to write and read and then write some more and then if people want to, i want them to read. i don't want to stop writing because i fear others are bored. i want to write and write and write. even if that means the words that come out aren't for everyone, or really, for anyone. i am not a writer and i am not a poet and i don't necessarily care about either writing or rhyming. i will probably never be good at something i don't care about so please don't expect ANYTHING interesting. i am an avid follower of a few blogs, and those few blogs have inspired me. i'd like to do this on some sort of basis. hopefully a regular one. BUT. i easily get caught up in the busyness of everything or no, i get caught up in whatever i can blame my mindlessness on. so when i'm doing whatever that thing is and i'm not writing anything down, just know that i'm probably really busy.

i am human.

yesterday it felt good - i was so exhausted.  i felt EXTRA human.  i felt my body and every move that it made, even as i inhaled and i exhaled i felt my diaphragm and my lungs all bustling around.  i took note of my brain feeling so full and occupied and then FWOOOOSH! 

nothing. 

i can't recall the moment exactly, but when it happened, i bet my brain did a 360 and then collapsed down into itself.  that's when i could no longer continue normal conversation or consideration of any sort of brain stimulation.  that's when i had to sit down and have a BEER.  a 'congratulations me' for all that hard work and none o' that sleeping.

as i stripped the pounds of no longer laundered and sticky clothes off of my body, i felt lighter and cleaner and more happy, as i anticipated the sleep that would soon come.  i lifted my feet onto the same mattress that was supporting my upper body and my hips, and i felt just the right amount of distance from the ground and a little disconnected from the world; my feet were no longer pounding their way into the cement and the ice or the perfectly tiled floors of the kitchen.

my body was begging me for rest and that's what i gave it.  after a short, deep sleep, i was to do it all again.  i did not drag and i did not complain, i hardly even thought.  to be busy, is almost like being free and that is all i felt.  to push my body to the limit and force it to sleep feels so much better than to take advantage of it and sleep the days away. 

this is all just so much easier when the sun is shining and the heat is melting me.

you are music.

i miss looking upward,
toward a blue sky mostly blocked by trees who have arms
i miss looking across,
across roads and valleys where mountains creep behind them
i miss you,
you who challenge my thoughts, my actions, my dreams.

last night there was an incredible thunderstorm at holden village. first we watched the lightning bolts as they lit each others' faces and the clouds rolled in. the darkest clouds over the mountain slowly moved in and we knew it was about to downpour. everyone was running out of buildings and dancing in the road. my clothes and hair were soaked in 3 minutes. it's just rain, yes. nothing to get too excited about, really. all it did was make me cold and uncomfortably wet (that's what she said. i apologize, i can't stop). it brought all of us together. it was as if we all were 8 years old again. as the storm passed and the jumping around settled down, i morphed back into my 19- (almost 20, haha) year-old self. i felt a little silly for obnoxiously jumping around in puddles and laughing until my side hurt. "i should be reading a book," i thought to myself.

what i've realized is that i'm content with the way i felt last night (that's what she said?). it's okay to feel young and free and to hide from all the terrible things that happen each day. eventually, it all comes around and you deal with it when that happens.

i still can't believe what happened to one of my closest friends this summer. the thought of it haunts me and i wish for nothing but to turn back time and undo what was done to her. her broken heart was just wanting to experience something new and exciting, and then in a matter of minutes, her entire life changed.

i have nothing to complain about here. i'm in one of the most beautiful places in the world and am pretty removed from any troubles back home. so i'm going to keep the mindset that i had while dancing in the rain. my carefree mind can enjoy this next month and figure everything else out later.

running, returning. on and on it goes.

i leave for washington in 4 days. i wish i could say i'm ready, but i'm not. part of me is excited, yes, but not to the extent i thought i would be. i guess i knew this would happen. i knew i'd build it up to be so amazing and once it came time to actually go, i'd chicken out. i can't really chicken out but i sort of wish i could. i guess i could if i really wanted to. i don't want to. (phew, so many cans, can'ts, coulds and wants.)

i want to go. i want to experience something else. i want to go somewhere i've never been. i want to meet new people. i want to clear my mind. (want is a weird word.) this will be the perfect place to do that. seclusion freaks me out. i like to think i can handle it without any issues, but lets be honest. i'm totally the girl who feels awkward without her phone, and who checks her e-mail and facebook (yep, i said it) regularly. mexico was nice without a phone but it felt good to have some communication with the world through e-mail. that's so lame. i don't need e-mail. i don't need facebook. i can focus on other things while i'm there. i can journal. take photos. learn from the people around me.

i really want to focus on that. i think there's a lot i can learn from other people, even those who i don't see myself becoming super close to. everyone has their own story, their own opinions and i'm interested in getting new aspects on things.

2:08 am
i just had to say bye to amber. she is leaving for peru in the morning. i feel sad. i am not sure when i'll see her again.

i'm going to bed.

hoy.

me pierda mis hermanas.

today.

i feel like this.

certain people, smells, and places make home feel like home for me. i cannot express in words how much different home will feel without this girl there with meh.

i recently found a message from my sweet lil' lady friend, lars. laura, lo, lando, laaaanky. you get the point. because i don't want to lose it, i'm going to paste it here. most of it you (if there is anyone actually reading this) won't even begin to understand the history and love (lust) behind each one of these statements but maybe you have something (someone) comparable to lo in your life.

cartface. this is a list of things i CAN NOT wait for:
-trips to sonic with you and your daddy
-knitting in your living room
-pretending like we're on a date and when you get nervous you start to moo
-dancing and taking pictures of it (we can do it in your living room this time)
-the absolutely incredible hug you and i are going to experience when i see you
-having conversations with about 3 actual words in them
-making babies with you, dbag, juicy, lando, and jenga
-sledding
-sipping chai lattes to beautiful music
-going to the old market with all the lights
-a BANGIN' new years eve
-reminiscing on old times, and telling eachother of all the new ones we've experienced
-maybe going to church, then stroads....or just going to starbucks, then stroads
-ZIOS
-crazy face pictures
-spooning/cuddling/snuggling

-watching a movie in your basement...meaning you all watch a movie and i fall asleep on the floor
-harmonizing
-going to cheesecake factory b/c we're totally hitting that place up like 3 times
-eating at pf changs...but maybe without the sweet discount
-NOODLESSSSSSSSSS & Co.
-meeting your friends from lincoln when i come stay a night with you =)
-the feeling i'm going to get when i see you and your family (my family)
-the fact that i'm tearing up right now just because i'm SO...so so excited to see you
-the fact that we've both probably changed a bit...yet not at all
-the fact that your dad will probably buy me window scrapers or a tire gauge =)
-sitting in your living room with you and your momma...the TV is on....and yeah, it's on mute
-eating salami and yams...?
-the fact that a good majority of these things are about us and food...
-taco bell
-.....this is a tough one....but driving past my old house. i know.
-realizing that it doesn't matter that i don't live there anymore....i know where my home is
-seeing your beautiful face


can't wait.....

love you.

charged OJ & powdered shuga

time is slipping through my fingers. it always seems like right up until you actually have to leave a place, you're more excited than ever for whatever endeavors are ahead. but once reality sets in and you realize you have to take the final leap and do what you've been planning on, you feel this weight on your shoulders, some sort of pressure on your heart. you second guess everything, wondering, am i doing what's right? am i going where i want to go? you start to miss everything and everyone even though you haven't actually left yet. i still have a little time left in lincoln but i feel like it's already over. things are winding down. friends are leaving. my possessions lie in piles of boxes. goodbye letters are on my nightstand.

i could be perfectly happy if i stayed in lincoln, probably. keep working at the mill, ride my bike around town, spend time with people who i find meaningful and i think challenge me, who i can learn from. life would still be sort of a guessing game and i'd be wondering, what will happen next? doesn't sound so terrible, right? because life is always sort of a guessing game. even though i'm going to culinary school, nothing is set in stone. who knows what other sorts of feelings and thoughts i'll have during or after that? there is no need to plan out my life but at times i worry so much that something i do will run everything off the track.

--i just thought about high school track. how when i was in a relay once and i was the final leg and we ended up getting second place. and how important i felt, even though it was a bogus relay anyway. funny to think that those are the types of things i spent my days thinking about.--

i feel complacent now, listening to sigur ros while my family is out and about. i wish i was a better writer. i feel like most of my writing is very selfish and i only ever talk about myself. i don't want to write like that.

my parents, ambs, and jj just got home. sometimes home is a stressful place to be. very relaxing at times but definitely a different beat from my lincoln life. i can come home, lay around with the 'rents and be content. or i come home to things a little bit more difficult. i'm reminded of the things my parents worry about, things i usually set on the back burner or forget about. it's wonderful having my sister around. she seems happy now, and it's exciting to hear about her and jj's future. but she still struggles, like anyone else. and it's harder to watch that. i hope that she is genuinely happy with her life at this point, but that's something i will never really know for sure.

i worry about my family. about my friends. when there is so much to be grateful for, it's hard to say you're unhappy with yourself or with life. you know you shouldn't be unhappy, but sometimes you are. i think that's okay, too.

this is probably one of my worst entries ever. lost of ramblings. i look forward to having different adventures to write about.

officially official.

i received an acceptance e-mail by the holden village staff earlier this week to work in the kitchen for a month this summer. there are times when i honestly can't hold back a smile, just thinking about how many exciting things will happen in my life in the near future. as draining as this whole working nonsense has been this semester, i am thrilled to have the money to travel a little bit.

first stop:
queretaro, mexico
where i will get to spend the days with these amazing ladies.

second stop:
holden village, chelan, washington
where hopefully i'll be able to stand my ground as one of these.

third stop:
fort collins/denver, colorado
where i get to roadtrip with this really awesome girl to watch this guy tie the knot.

it's gon' be a partay! get ready for lots of pictures.

You know you're in Nebraska when...

you're in a the middle of a crowd of people, all who are dancing to raise money for Children's Hospital, and nearly everyone around you is doing a form of the electric slide that you've never seen before as they sing along to every word of some country tune you maybe recognize. You move off to the side because you feel uncomfortable. "I don't know how to do this. Plus, I'm tired. So I'll just sit this one out." WRONG. Somehow the side of the ballroom I was standing on turned into the middle of the routine and I was kicking my legs and clapping my hands like nobody's business. All in all, now that I can claim I know the dance for Cotton Eye Joe, I'd say dancing 12 hours through the night was probably worth it.

lo lo really did a go go.

one of my best friends moved away last week. since i've had to say goodbye to quite a few people who mean a heck of a lot to me in the recent past, it felt pretty routine. it has been pretty easy to stay connected with the people who mean most to me but there is always a part of me that worries about it. there is a certain bond between some friends that can't really be broken, no matter how distant you are. but then there's always the off chance that you'll lose touch. my relationships with some people have not only continued but have grown and become even more meaningful than before. but there are others that have completely died. ones that i expected to hold on tight to. but as i "grow up" and i live apart from them, i realize that i'm changing and they're changing and we're both just slightly different from what we were before. for the most part, yes, people stay the same but this time in my life is making me into the person i'll be forever. my thoughts, opinions, priorities, worries, and dreams have all shifted (some more than others) in the last year. i don't worry so much that lauren and i will completely lose touch but just that we won't have the opportunity to learn as much from each other because of the distance between us. i learn from each one of my friends but it's so much easier to grow when you are around them. but i suppose the google machine will have to tide me over until we meet again.