i have pregnant dreams...

quite often. three times, to be exact. it's beginning to terrify me. i can't decide what it means. each one has even gone in somewhat sequential order.

dream 1: i didn't realize i was prego until it was too late and i had been out drinking. i got really sad and worried that the baby would die and it would be my fault.

dream 2: i actually was giving birth to a baby in this one. in the middle of a room. on a bench. with all my friends around. everyone was preoccupied and didn't pay attention. the only person helping me, was directly behind me so i couldn't see them. they just quietly spoke to me, telling me what i should be doing. it got to a certain point where i was pushing and pushing and nothing was coming out so the voice informed me that i had lost the baby.

somewhere between the second and third dream: paula cooper, sarah's ma, dreamed i had a bebe. i couldn't take care of it and my parents weren't around for some reason, so she and sam did. i would come visit it and stuff. weird? yes.

dream 3: somehow i was pregnant again. i was about to have the baby. but the process was really weird. i watched this jar that had bubbles in it until one of the bubbles dropped, then it would be time. by ways other than natural birth, i somehow had a baby. a baby girl. and there was a father. or at least the child's face was an exact replica of their father. horrifying.

in other news...i bought a halloween costume tonight. it's a full-body cow suit with utters. get ready to bust a "moooooo"ve. (oookay, i suck.)

things that make me happy.

sometimes i just need to remind myself of the little things that make me happy.



dancing a foo.

the whole fam.









old friends.

new friends.





















target.



























cute boys.






























and most importantly, nutella.

Thoughts

Some days I wake up feeling as if everything going on my life is as it should be. Going to school, work, living in a house with some of my best friends, and being in a town with some people I intensely care about. Other days are different. I don't question the fact that school is worth my time. I know that it's definitely NOT a waste of time. I'm learning and trying to become the person I'll be forever. Or something. But there are days where I question every single thing I do, even the simplest of things. Why did I drive to school and not ride my bike? Why am I sitting around reading the newspaper and not studying for my quiz in 30 minutes? Why did I avoid eye contact with that one girl I talked to on a regular basis last year? But even more than these silly things, I question why I am where I am. I suppose it's simple. As Dylan told me, it's not that deep, you live one place and you do stuff or you live in a different place and do stuff. But is it really just where you are that makes the difference?
For me, I've always felt secure and comfortable. Sure, I get anxious about tests or meeting new people, things of the sort, but I don't know that I've ever actually had to be out of my comfort zone. I thought college in and of itself would make me uncomfortable. But then I expected everything to just fall into place. I haven't really, truly challenged myself to get involved and therefore have met few new people. I suppose that is okay but I want more. I want to be motivated to get involved. More importantly, I want to be motivated to learn. It's really hard when I don't have a major and am taking a bunch of general classes. It's really hard to delve into those. But if there were just something that could get me going. Anything.
I have an interview with a woman from the Cooking and Hospitality Institute of Chicago today. I know I've never been the girl who's cooking dinner for everyone on the block or bringing all kinds of desserts to parties, but I really think this might be something I enjoy. I know I have to give it more thought but it has become pretty serious in my mind. It's a way for me to be creative and entertain. It's something that I could go a bunch of different ways with as far as a career. It's something I seriously desire to know more about. It would challenge me. To be honest, the idea really kind of terrifies me. Being done with college, leaving my job, leaving Nebraska, and living further away from a lot of the people I love than ever before. Could it be worth it?

finally

it's nice to finally feel comfortable at school. meeting people, going to class, eating in the dining hall, walking around campus doesn't feel so foreign anymore. and that's really nice. i've met some really cool people and i hope to have some solid friendships. i know it takes time and i'm trying to remember that. it seems like i always stress and stress about these things but i always know it'll turn out okay and that i shouldn't worry. i've really had fun with amber and her friends. i thought it might be a bit weird ya know, hanging out with the big sis and all her friends and feeling like a 12-year-old again. but it's really not like that. and it's super fun. oh, and great news! going to texas in october! i can't wait. amber, j.j., sarah, and i will be roadtripping there for a few days to see ryan and all the friends i have living in texas. i'm so pumped. anyway, as usual i've procrastinated and need to catch up on some reading.

i'm sitting in my new room, in a new city, with my new lime green comforter, in a new bed, next to my new neighbors, and i'm writing in my new blog. so many new things is quite overwhelming. i wasn't ready for all this change when i stepped in the car for the ride down here. i knew it was time and i was happy to not be one of the last of my friends to leave. but it's hard. it's really hard. my first day here was really exciting and i was anxious to have a "place" of my own. it still feels weird calling it home. it's not home yet. i feel like i'm at camp. that in a day mom and dad will come pick me up and hug everything out of me. they'll join me for a final camper/parent lunch and we'll pack my stuff in the car and i'll go back home. i'm starting to realize that this is not the case. it's not that i'm not having fun because i am. i just miss my family and my friends. sometimes i just long for one of those hugs or a morning in the Anderson home. it's nice having amber here. i know i'll meet more people and feel more comfortable soon enough but i'm getting impatient. i love my classes. everything will be good and i know that i just hope to meet some sweet and cahrazy people. i'm auditioning on thursday for the musical/play on campus. last minute decision and i'm proud of myself for actually doing it. but hey, college isn't a time to be bashful. i want to be involved and i want to have fun. it'll be quite the ride and i'm looking forward to it.