running, returning. on and on it goes.

i leave for washington in 4 days. i wish i could say i'm ready, but i'm not. part of me is excited, yes, but not to the extent i thought i would be. i guess i knew this would happen. i knew i'd build it up to be so amazing and once it came time to actually go, i'd chicken out. i can't really chicken out but i sort of wish i could. i guess i could if i really wanted to. i don't want to. (phew, so many cans, can'ts, coulds and wants.)

i want to go. i want to experience something else. i want to go somewhere i've never been. i want to meet new people. i want to clear my mind. (want is a weird word.) this will be the perfect place to do that. seclusion freaks me out. i like to think i can handle it without any issues, but lets be honest. i'm totally the girl who feels awkward without her phone, and who checks her e-mail and facebook (yep, i said it) regularly. mexico was nice without a phone but it felt good to have some communication with the world through e-mail. that's so lame. i don't need e-mail. i don't need facebook. i can focus on other things while i'm there. i can journal. take photos. learn from the people around me.

i really want to focus on that. i think there's a lot i can learn from other people, even those who i don't see myself becoming super close to. everyone has their own story, their own opinions and i'm interested in getting new aspects on things.

2:08 am
i just had to say bye to amber. she is leaving for peru in the morning. i feel sad. i am not sure when i'll see her again.

i'm going to bed.

hoy.

me pierda mis hermanas.

today.

i feel like this.

certain people, smells, and places make home feel like home for me. i cannot express in words how much different home will feel without this girl there with meh.

i recently found a message from my sweet lil' lady friend, lars. laura, lo, lando, laaaanky. you get the point. because i don't want to lose it, i'm going to paste it here. most of it you (if there is anyone actually reading this) won't even begin to understand the history and love (lust) behind each one of these statements but maybe you have something (someone) comparable to lo in your life.

cartface. this is a list of things i CAN NOT wait for:
-trips to sonic with you and your daddy
-knitting in your living room
-pretending like we're on a date and when you get nervous you start to moo
-dancing and taking pictures of it (we can do it in your living room this time)
-the absolutely incredible hug you and i are going to experience when i see you
-having conversations with about 3 actual words in them
-making babies with you, dbag, juicy, lando, and jenga
-sledding
-sipping chai lattes to beautiful music
-going to the old market with all the lights
-a BANGIN' new years eve
-reminiscing on old times, and telling eachother of all the new ones we've experienced
-maybe going to church, then stroads....or just going to starbucks, then stroads
-ZIOS
-crazy face pictures
-spooning/cuddling/snuggling

-watching a movie in your basement...meaning you all watch a movie and i fall asleep on the floor
-harmonizing
-going to cheesecake factory b/c we're totally hitting that place up like 3 times
-eating at pf changs...but maybe without the sweet discount
-NOODLESSSSSSSSSS & Co.
-meeting your friends from lincoln when i come stay a night with you =)
-the feeling i'm going to get when i see you and your family (my family)
-the fact that i'm tearing up right now just because i'm SO...so so excited to see you
-the fact that we've both probably changed a bit...yet not at all
-the fact that your dad will probably buy me window scrapers or a tire gauge =)
-sitting in your living room with you and your momma...the TV is on....and yeah, it's on mute
-eating salami and yams...?
-the fact that a good majority of these things are about us and food...
-taco bell
-.....this is a tough one....but driving past my old house. i know.
-realizing that it doesn't matter that i don't live there anymore....i know where my home is
-seeing your beautiful face


can't wait.....

love you.

charged OJ & powdered shuga

time is slipping through my fingers. it always seems like right up until you actually have to leave a place, you're more excited than ever for whatever endeavors are ahead. but once reality sets in and you realize you have to take the final leap and do what you've been planning on, you feel this weight on your shoulders, some sort of pressure on your heart. you second guess everything, wondering, am i doing what's right? am i going where i want to go? you start to miss everything and everyone even though you haven't actually left yet. i still have a little time left in lincoln but i feel like it's already over. things are winding down. friends are leaving. my possessions lie in piles of boxes. goodbye letters are on my nightstand.

i could be perfectly happy if i stayed in lincoln, probably. keep working at the mill, ride my bike around town, spend time with people who i find meaningful and i think challenge me, who i can learn from. life would still be sort of a guessing game and i'd be wondering, what will happen next? doesn't sound so terrible, right? because life is always sort of a guessing game. even though i'm going to culinary school, nothing is set in stone. who knows what other sorts of feelings and thoughts i'll have during or after that? there is no need to plan out my life but at times i worry so much that something i do will run everything off the track.

--i just thought about high school track. how when i was in a relay once and i was the final leg and we ended up getting second place. and how important i felt, even though it was a bogus relay anyway. funny to think that those are the types of things i spent my days thinking about.--

i feel complacent now, listening to sigur ros while my family is out and about. i wish i was a better writer. i feel like most of my writing is very selfish and i only ever talk about myself. i don't want to write like that.

my parents, ambs, and jj just got home. sometimes home is a stressful place to be. very relaxing at times but definitely a different beat from my lincoln life. i can come home, lay around with the 'rents and be content. or i come home to things a little bit more difficult. i'm reminded of the things my parents worry about, things i usually set on the back burner or forget about. it's wonderful having my sister around. she seems happy now, and it's exciting to hear about her and jj's future. but she still struggles, like anyone else. and it's harder to watch that. i hope that she is genuinely happy with her life at this point, but that's something i will never really know for sure.

i worry about my family. about my friends. when there is so much to be grateful for, it's hard to say you're unhappy with yourself or with life. you know you shouldn't be unhappy, but sometimes you are. i think that's okay, too.

this is probably one of my worst entries ever. lost of ramblings. i look forward to having different adventures to write about.

officially official.

i received an acceptance e-mail by the holden village staff earlier this week to work in the kitchen for a month this summer. there are times when i honestly can't hold back a smile, just thinking about how many exciting things will happen in my life in the near future. as draining as this whole working nonsense has been this semester, i am thrilled to have the money to travel a little bit.

first stop:
queretaro, mexico
where i will get to spend the days with these amazing ladies.

second stop:
holden village, chelan, washington
where hopefully i'll be able to stand my ground as one of these.

third stop:
fort collins/denver, colorado
where i get to roadtrip with this really awesome girl to watch this guy tie the knot.

it's gon' be a partay! get ready for lots of pictures.

You know you're in Nebraska when...

you're in a the middle of a crowd of people, all who are dancing to raise money for Children's Hospital, and nearly everyone around you is doing a form of the electric slide that you've never seen before as they sing along to every word of some country tune you maybe recognize. You move off to the side because you feel uncomfortable. "I don't know how to do this. Plus, I'm tired. So I'll just sit this one out." WRONG. Somehow the side of the ballroom I was standing on turned into the middle of the routine and I was kicking my legs and clapping my hands like nobody's business. All in all, now that I can claim I know the dance for Cotton Eye Joe, I'd say dancing 12 hours through the night was probably worth it.