more of the same ol'

up until christmas day, feelings of anxiety and doubt filled my mind about the upcoming year. sometimes i feel really great about what i'm doing in my life, other times i feel like i'm failing someone, something or myself. my desire to go to culinary school significantly increased over the last semester. as of a couple months ago, after visiting the school twice, i thought it was just a matter of time before i picked up my things to move to chicago to take classes at le cordon bleu. however, even in the short amount of time since then, more doors are opening and i see more opportunities. i have lots of different options. i could just jump into culinary school, with no real experience at all and cross my fingers that it works out. or i could give it some time. try out a few other things before i do that. or maybe culinary school isn't completely necessary.

after talking to a very close friend of the family, i've learned you can start from the bottom and work your way up. if you work hard enough and truly have the desire to succeed, things will work out. steph stevens, who my dad grew up with and has been around for the holidays ever since i can remember was at our house on christmas. she was the owner of a wonderful little restaurant in pepin, wi called the harbor view cafe. she no longer is an owner but still works for the restaurant. she has invited me to come up to the restaurant to check out a "day in the life" at the restaurant.

since this post is probably already getting close to lengthy i'll just cut to the chase. through other connections steph has, i plan on volunteering at a camp this summer in chelan, wa where this is my backyard. i will work in the kitchen, hopefully learning some of the basics and figuring out if this is something i want to do. i will be phoneless/internetless, surrounded by beauty, taking pictures, hiking, and journaling nonstop.

at this very second, there is no doubt in my mind that i've made the right decisions. i'm heading in the right direction, or at least in some direction. i anxiously await what the future holds.

things could be so much worse.

there are always these moments in my life when i feel really nostalgic. like if i could, i'd go back in time, to my cozy omaha home, where i'd somehow feel more important there than anywhere else. my phone would ring more often, i'd use 10 times as much gas, i'd be familiar with most things in town, i wouldn't have a roommate asking me how work or class was every time i got home, i'd never get bored because someone would always be up for a drive, food or coffee, or a movie, and i could always count on my parents for a home-cooked meal or a nice night around the house.

i'm not sure why i feel so insignificant here. it's hard for me to see if i'm positively influencing the people around me or if i have no impact on anyone but myself. but as the days pass, i realize i'm heading in the right direction. there's something kind of thrilling about feeling small or unimportant, or whatever it is i'm feeling. it makes me want to work harder. as the semester is coming to an end, i'm more excited about my life than i have ever been. it sounds ridiculous because when you look at it, i'm dropping out of school to work in a coffee shop and "figure out my life."

and although i may not have as many close-knit relationships here in lincoln, that's okay. this has been a really important and enjoyable time in my life where i've had to become independent. it's okay that i don't receive as many phone calls, in fact, it's kind of nice. riding my bike and taking the bus is way better than driving and using up gas (and ruining the motha nature!) anyway. exploring lincoln's hidden treasures always provides for a fun time with the people i care about. living in a house with 4 other girls is something i'll never experience again and always having a girl around to talk or watch stupid movies with is something i should take advantage of. and lets be honest, it's about time i start cooking myself s'more home cooked goodness!

i'm trying to teach myself to look at things positively as they are now. there's absolutely no reason for me to be unhappy with my life as it is.