more of the same ol'

up until christmas day, feelings of anxiety and doubt filled my mind about the upcoming year. sometimes i feel really great about what i'm doing in my life, other times i feel like i'm failing someone, something or myself. my desire to go to culinary school significantly increased over the last semester. as of a couple months ago, after visiting the school twice, i thought it was just a matter of time before i picked up my things to move to chicago to take classes at le cordon bleu. however, even in the short amount of time since then, more doors are opening and i see more opportunities. i have lots of different options. i could just jump into culinary school, with no real experience at all and cross my fingers that it works out. or i could give it some time. try out a few other things before i do that. or maybe culinary school isn't completely necessary.

after talking to a very close friend of the family, i've learned you can start from the bottom and work your way up. if you work hard enough and truly have the desire to succeed, things will work out. steph stevens, who my dad grew up with and has been around for the holidays ever since i can remember was at our house on christmas. she was the owner of a wonderful little restaurant in pepin, wi called the harbor view cafe. she no longer is an owner but still works for the restaurant. she has invited me to come up to the restaurant to check out a "day in the life" at the restaurant.

since this post is probably already getting close to lengthy i'll just cut to the chase. through other connections steph has, i plan on volunteering at a camp this summer in chelan, wa where this is my backyard. i will work in the kitchen, hopefully learning some of the basics and figuring out if this is something i want to do. i will be phoneless/internetless, surrounded by beauty, taking pictures, hiking, and journaling nonstop.

at this very second, there is no doubt in my mind that i've made the right decisions. i'm heading in the right direction, or at least in some direction. i anxiously await what the future holds.

things could be so much worse.

there are always these moments in my life when i feel really nostalgic. like if i could, i'd go back in time, to my cozy omaha home, where i'd somehow feel more important there than anywhere else. my phone would ring more often, i'd use 10 times as much gas, i'd be familiar with most things in town, i wouldn't have a roommate asking me how work or class was every time i got home, i'd never get bored because someone would always be up for a drive, food or coffee, or a movie, and i could always count on my parents for a home-cooked meal or a nice night around the house.

i'm not sure why i feel so insignificant here. it's hard for me to see if i'm positively influencing the people around me or if i have no impact on anyone but myself. but as the days pass, i realize i'm heading in the right direction. there's something kind of thrilling about feeling small or unimportant, or whatever it is i'm feeling. it makes me want to work harder. as the semester is coming to an end, i'm more excited about my life than i have ever been. it sounds ridiculous because when you look at it, i'm dropping out of school to work in a coffee shop and "figure out my life."

and although i may not have as many close-knit relationships here in lincoln, that's okay. this has been a really important and enjoyable time in my life where i've had to become independent. it's okay that i don't receive as many phone calls, in fact, it's kind of nice. riding my bike and taking the bus is way better than driving and using up gas (and ruining the motha nature!) anyway. exploring lincoln's hidden treasures always provides for a fun time with the people i care about. living in a house with 4 other girls is something i'll never experience again and always having a girl around to talk or watch stupid movies with is something i should take advantage of. and lets be honest, it's about time i start cooking myself s'more home cooked goodness!

i'm trying to teach myself to look at things positively as they are now. there's absolutely no reason for me to be unhappy with my life as it is.

go ahead and call me mama...

every thursday, my afternoon is spent aimlessly walking the city campus sidewalks with a stroller. inside the stroller is little baby ebs! eben is christopher and sarah mccammon's babe who is somewhere around 9 months old? or at least that's the answer i give to anyone and everyone, especially in the elevator, who asks how old my son is. while the weather was nice, i spent most of my time just walking around because that seemed to be the only thing to keep him happy. occasionally we'd sit in the cafe of oldfather or go to the union but i was afraid the studious people might yell at me or steal him because he really enjoys exploring around their feets and crying. he also really likes to eat nasties off the floor and boy, there are lots o nasties on the floor in those places.

eventually i got over the fact that i was walking around campus with a baby because i could usually avoid seeing anyone. however, the past 3 weeks i've watched him i've seen somewhere around 80,000 people i know, all of which wanted an explanation as to how i managed to have a baby since the last time i saw them. this may be meaningless to you but you should know the variety of people i saw: amber naylor, kelsey johnson, john brockhoft, jaime reiger, and justin potter. other than john, i seriously hadn't seen or talked to any of these people since last year and they gave me the "so you had a baby?" face.

finally, eben and i have found our spot. our pad, if you will. it's in the "women's lounge" of the union. it's the perfectly lit room, where very few people decide to study, with sweet background music of women pissing. it's perfect, really.

the view from my window

although it's not prominent in this photo, it's important you know what i discovered today upon returning home from work. i can see the capitol from my house! you'd think i would've noticed sooner but no, not until today when i was intrigued by the beautiful setting sun behind the excessive tree branches outside my upstairs living room window. she's there, the capitol that is, you just have to get really close to the screen and squint a bit.

lately i've been trying to find beauty in the most insignificant things. i'd say this is something i do quite often, as i like to think i have an appreciation for immaterial things in this world. my recognition of beautiful things, though, doesn't have much of an affect on anyone else but myself. but if what i say has any bearing at all, i challenge you to do the same. for me, it's refreshing and interesting to take note of things that you sincerely appreciate.

what do i find beauty in?
sunlight, trees (dead or alive), a new song, young families, old couples, literature, the crisp air, hearing amber's laugh, watching strangers do good deeds they don't have to, simplicity, marty from the mill, playing mario cart with people from 5 different countries, genericness.

i have pregnant dreams...

quite often. three times, to be exact. it's beginning to terrify me. i can't decide what it means. each one has even gone in somewhat sequential order.

dream 1: i didn't realize i was prego until it was too late and i had been out drinking. i got really sad and worried that the baby would die and it would be my fault.

dream 2: i actually was giving birth to a baby in this one. in the middle of a room. on a bench. with all my friends around. everyone was preoccupied and didn't pay attention. the only person helping me, was directly behind me so i couldn't see them. they just quietly spoke to me, telling me what i should be doing. it got to a certain point where i was pushing and pushing and nothing was coming out so the voice informed me that i had lost the baby.

somewhere between the second and third dream: paula cooper, sarah's ma, dreamed i had a bebe. i couldn't take care of it and my parents weren't around for some reason, so she and sam did. i would come visit it and stuff. weird? yes.

dream 3: somehow i was pregnant again. i was about to have the baby. but the process was really weird. i watched this jar that had bubbles in it until one of the bubbles dropped, then it would be time. by ways other than natural birth, i somehow had a baby. a baby girl. and there was a father. or at least the child's face was an exact replica of their father. horrifying.

in other news...i bought a halloween costume tonight. it's a full-body cow suit with utters. get ready to bust a "moooooo"ve. (oookay, i suck.)

things that make me happy.

sometimes i just need to remind myself of the little things that make me happy.



dancing a foo.

the whole fam.









old friends.

new friends.





















target.



























cute boys.






























and most importantly, nutella.

Thoughts

Some days I wake up feeling as if everything going on my life is as it should be. Going to school, work, living in a house with some of my best friends, and being in a town with some people I intensely care about. Other days are different. I don't question the fact that school is worth my time. I know that it's definitely NOT a waste of time. I'm learning and trying to become the person I'll be forever. Or something. But there are days where I question every single thing I do, even the simplest of things. Why did I drive to school and not ride my bike? Why am I sitting around reading the newspaper and not studying for my quiz in 30 minutes? Why did I avoid eye contact with that one girl I talked to on a regular basis last year? But even more than these silly things, I question why I am where I am. I suppose it's simple. As Dylan told me, it's not that deep, you live one place and you do stuff or you live in a different place and do stuff. But is it really just where you are that makes the difference?
For me, I've always felt secure and comfortable. Sure, I get anxious about tests or meeting new people, things of the sort, but I don't know that I've ever actually had to be out of my comfort zone. I thought college in and of itself would make me uncomfortable. But then I expected everything to just fall into place. I haven't really, truly challenged myself to get involved and therefore have met few new people. I suppose that is okay but I want more. I want to be motivated to get involved. More importantly, I want to be motivated to learn. It's really hard when I don't have a major and am taking a bunch of general classes. It's really hard to delve into those. But if there were just something that could get me going. Anything.
I have an interview with a woman from the Cooking and Hospitality Institute of Chicago today. I know I've never been the girl who's cooking dinner for everyone on the block or bringing all kinds of desserts to parties, but I really think this might be something I enjoy. I know I have to give it more thought but it has become pretty serious in my mind. It's a way for me to be creative and entertain. It's something that I could go a bunch of different ways with as far as a career. It's something I seriously desire to know more about. It would challenge me. To be honest, the idea really kind of terrifies me. Being done with college, leaving my job, leaving Nebraska, and living further away from a lot of the people I love than ever before. Could it be worth it?