gotta hold the records.

although most times i look back on old writing (i.e. the blog posts before this one) and get a little bit red in the face or feel this thing where my brain feels fuzzy like it hardly remembers the person i was when i wrote that thing down way back when and would almost probably rather deny being the one who wrote that down, i decided today...to write. to hold the record, to follow me through my transitions, moving from city to city, apartment to house, and travelling around the world to see it and my family and my friends.

that preface felt forced but seems necessary, as my last entry was long ago. i mostly just want to write and read and then write some more and then if people want to, i want them to read. i don't want to stop writing because i fear others are bored. i want to write and write and write. even if that means the words that come out aren't for everyone, or really, for anyone. i am not a writer and i am not a poet and i don't necessarily care about either writing or rhyming. i will probably never be good at something i don't care about so please don't expect ANYTHING interesting. i am an avid follower of a few blogs, and those few blogs have inspired me. i'd like to do this on some sort of basis. hopefully a regular one. BUT. i easily get caught up in the busyness of everything or no, i get caught up in whatever i can blame my mindlessness on. so when i'm doing whatever that thing is and i'm not writing anything down, just know that i'm probably really busy.

i am human.

yesterday it felt good - i was so exhausted.  i felt EXTRA human.  i felt my body and every move that it made, even as i inhaled and i exhaled i felt my diaphragm and my lungs all bustling around.  i took note of my brain feeling so full and occupied and then FWOOOOSH! 

nothing. 

i can't recall the moment exactly, but when it happened, i bet my brain did a 360 and then collapsed down into itself.  that's when i could no longer continue normal conversation or consideration of any sort of brain stimulation.  that's when i had to sit down and have a BEER.  a 'congratulations me' for all that hard work and none o' that sleeping.

as i stripped the pounds of no longer laundered and sticky clothes off of my body, i felt lighter and cleaner and more happy, as i anticipated the sleep that would soon come.  i lifted my feet onto the same mattress that was supporting my upper body and my hips, and i felt just the right amount of distance from the ground and a little disconnected from the world; my feet were no longer pounding their way into the cement and the ice or the perfectly tiled floors of the kitchen.

my body was begging me for rest and that's what i gave it.  after a short, deep sleep, i was to do it all again.  i did not drag and i did not complain, i hardly even thought.  to be busy, is almost like being free and that is all i felt.  to push my body to the limit and force it to sleep feels so much better than to take advantage of it and sleep the days away. 

this is all just so much easier when the sun is shining and the heat is melting me.