charged OJ & powdered shuga

time is slipping through my fingers. it always seems like right up until you actually have to leave a place, you're more excited than ever for whatever endeavors are ahead. but once reality sets in and you realize you have to take the final leap and do what you've been planning on, you feel this weight on your shoulders, some sort of pressure on your heart. you second guess everything, wondering, am i doing what's right? am i going where i want to go? you start to miss everything and everyone even though you haven't actually left yet. i still have a little time left in lincoln but i feel like it's already over. things are winding down. friends are leaving. my possessions lie in piles of boxes. goodbye letters are on my nightstand.

i could be perfectly happy if i stayed in lincoln, probably. keep working at the mill, ride my bike around town, spend time with people who i find meaningful and i think challenge me, who i can learn from. life would still be sort of a guessing game and i'd be wondering, what will happen next? doesn't sound so terrible, right? because life is always sort of a guessing game. even though i'm going to culinary school, nothing is set in stone. who knows what other sorts of feelings and thoughts i'll have during or after that? there is no need to plan out my life but at times i worry so much that something i do will run everything off the track.

--i just thought about high school track. how when i was in a relay once and i was the final leg and we ended up getting second place. and how important i felt, even though it was a bogus relay anyway. funny to think that those are the types of things i spent my days thinking about.--

i feel complacent now, listening to sigur ros while my family is out and about. i wish i was a better writer. i feel like most of my writing is very selfish and i only ever talk about myself. i don't want to write like that.

my parents, ambs, and jj just got home. sometimes home is a stressful place to be. very relaxing at times but definitely a different beat from my lincoln life. i can come home, lay around with the 'rents and be content. or i come home to things a little bit more difficult. i'm reminded of the things my parents worry about, things i usually set on the back burner or forget about. it's wonderful having my sister around. she seems happy now, and it's exciting to hear about her and jj's future. but she still struggles, like anyone else. and it's harder to watch that. i hope that she is genuinely happy with her life at this point, but that's something i will never really know for sure.

i worry about my family. about my friends. when there is so much to be grateful for, it's hard to say you're unhappy with yourself or with life. you know you shouldn't be unhappy, but sometimes you are. i think that's okay, too.

this is probably one of my worst entries ever. lost of ramblings. i look forward to having different adventures to write about.